Rememberance: A recollection of a poem written shortly after I left Christianity

As we come upon the new year, I find a time to reflect. It has been one year since I became a vegetarian, and things are much different now. The days of being addicted to forums appear on the surface to be at an end as the forum I post to is being shut down in two days. So, as I'm looking through diaries and forum posts, I came across the first poem I ever wrote after my deconversion. It shows, in rare form, the anguish involved with leaving a faith you have had your entire life. It wasn't an easy choice and it left me without answers before I was willing to live with just the questions.

So with out further stalling, the day that started my journey towards atheism. The day I became, The Waiting.

The Waiting


This is my first entry. I write this because I need to
find purpose in life again. Though my heart is filled
with joy, my soul writhes in angst. Be there no Savior,
be there no God, be there nothing to filled the void in my
soul? Who would have thought that a stroll through the
Book would yield itself to untruth, uncertainty, and
fables of the mind. One should never traverse a spiritual
journey and find wanting at its end. Never should the
soul be empty when one seeks to fill it!

From here shall a new chapter be written upon the pages of
my soul, if it is that a soul trully exists. If god
trully exists, I pray that I would be graced enough to
find him. To long have I blindly followed in the steps of
my ancestors, to long have i ridden the waves of untested
belief, to long have i chosen the path of righteousness as
so discerned by men.

Never shall I cling to undying principle without undying
truth. You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set
you free. But perhaps, some bonds shouldnt have been
broken. How I long for the certainty that death would
bring life. How I wish that ultimate truth was still in
my heart and mind. Yet, now being set free, I am
uncertain to where I should travel.

I shall be a chaffe in the wind, blowing through life with
out a reason for existence. I trully shall be strong for
my family, they need me. But I no longer know what I
should teach my son. My father taught me values from the
good book, yet my path lies elsewhere. Yes, my truth
escapes me even to the writing of these words! Universal
truth shall elude me until the day that I shall again
unravel its mysteries.

I wait for universal love to be revealed. I search for
universal truth. I long for a higher power, a higher
calling, a higher love. I long for that which I once held
onto. It now runs from me, and I still chase. Until the
day of revelation comes, I remain, the waiting.

K